By “YP”, 21
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People call me by my nickname, “YP”, which when you translate it from dialect means “young drug addict”. That’s because I’m 21 and already I’ve been arrested three times for heroin abuse.
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Life in drug rehabilitation is severe. Random faces watch me each day and night. I can’t take a leak or a shit without someone knowing about it.
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You might be wondering where my parents are? I don’t have the answer to that question. My mother left us when I was 4. So my grandparents became my guardians.
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I looked for a way out of my misery by living my life on the streets. If I didn’t feel like going to school one day, I just wouldn’t turn up.
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It was then that I picked up smoking ganja from my friends. My friends said ganja wasn’t addictive but if I didn’t get a smoke at least every other day, I really missed it. But I did not stop at ganja. I moved on to alcohol, glue sniffing, MX pills and other soft drugs.
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It wasn’t long before heroin came my way as well.
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A friend introduced me to a dealer and he sold me enough for two: that is, two people who had never ingested the drug before. It looked like a ball of road tar, black and sticky. A sharp chemical smell seemed to ooze from it. It was about the size of a pencil eraser, a quarter-inch round ball.
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I arrived home, and in great anticipation, fixed a crude pipe from tin foil to smoke the heroin. When heroin is heated it turns to liquid and begins to smoke. The smoke is then inhaled. Well, I did just that, sat down, and waited for the experience of what is said to drive men and women to ruin.
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My eyes couldn’t focus. I was lapsing in and out of consciousness, if consciousness is what one might call it. I was “nodding off”. Afterwards, I started going to parties where doing heroin was the climax of the night. I usually went with my friend and before I knew it I was on heroin all the time. I was smoking so much that I soon became tolerant of the amounts I was using and needed more heroin each time for the same high.
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The reason that junkies like me keep getting high is because of the sickness that you experience during withdrawal or when you just don’t have any dope. It is, without doubt, one of the most painful feelings I have ever gone through. The symptoms of my periods of withdrawal lasted for months at a time. My life was constantly revolving around the drug. I was either looking for it or when I was trying to come off it, I’d be thinking about taking it again.
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The day I got hauled into the police station and tested positive for heroin was the day I had to let go of any illusions that drugs don’t affect anyone else but the person taking them.
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Everything changed. I knew that I’d lost any trust my grandparents had in me. When I came out of drug rehabilitation, my grandmother avoided giving me large amounts of money.
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Despite the difficulties, I tried to lead a normal life after my first time in drug rehabilitation. I was cautious about dating again. It would mean being honest about my drug history. Then I met Sarah. She cared a great deal for me. She might have even loved me.
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Sarah forgave me when I was arrested the second time and that made me feel truly accepted. But the dream was not to last. After my release the second time, I stayed clean for two months before I fell again. It was a descent into hell. I started pulling away from Sarah while I was in drug rehabilitation. Soon, everything we had crumbled into nothing, slipping through my fingers like sand.
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Looking back, I’ve spent most of my life in drug rehabilitation centres rather than as a free man in Singapore. And the thoughts haven’t been without regret. I worry about my future. If my grandparents pass away, I’ll have no place to stay.
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When you’re on heroin, you don’t worry, fear, want, or need. They say the brain has lost its ability to produce those thoughts in the first place, much the same as a dog that is unable to worry about or fear its own death. A dog doesn’t have the ability to contemplate such things like death. Neither does a heroin addict.
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DAWN TAN: After his third time in detention, YP qualified for the halfway house programme by the Prisons Department. He says he’s determined to change this time around and hopes that he can learn a skill that could help him find a stable job. More than anything, YP wants to show his grandmother that he has quit drugs.
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